I would like to take this moment to reflect on Connie’s life, especially in the last 6 years when she was informed of her destiny. I feel such an urgent need to speak on her behalf of what her life was like especially when given such tragic news of diagnosis of ALS. I was so blessed to be a part of her life and to be so closely connected to her, that I feel I must share this with all of you who so touched her life. Imagine if you will, that these following words are from her lips, as I truly believe this is what she was reflecting. She and I shared such a connected life that she always knew what I was thinking, and I also knew what she was thinking, therefore I feel these following words as she would have spoken.

Dear Family and friends,

It is hard for me to find a starting point, but I must start with one word that describes a fulfilling life. That one word would be LOVE. Love in its purist is simple. That love is the truth that God has been trying to teach us through every one of our lives. That perfect love is the truth of God’s many spoken words in our gospel readings. Unlike most of us mortal beings, God is the only one who is perfect enough to accomplish that perfect love for one another.

I tried, as most of us do, and have intentions of doing, but none of us can accomplish that perfect love because of our worldly faults. We unintentionally have obstacles like pride, greed, and selfishness that get in the way. When that happens to us, we experience a guilt that gnaws at us but try to justify our actions which causes more guilt.

I have been subject to this, but without intention. I just wanted everyone in my life to love one another so much that I tried in my selfish way to correct everyone so that they would love one another and act accordingly to show that love. I have got myself in many heated arguments which lead to much turmoil for both myself and the people I confronted. I hurt many people in this process and have felt the guilt of inflicting this hurt. For those I have hurt, I have asked God’s forgiveness as you all know that I was far from perfect myself. With God’s forgiveness I am praying that you all may forgive me as well.

With the news of being diagnosed with ALS on December 15th, 2007, I was scared and mad at God for inflicting this disease on me. I was told that the average life expectancy was 3-5 years, but many people live much longer, some as many as 17 years. I thought the worse and figured I only had 3 years. Ed, the eternal optimist was hoping for those 17 years. What a hard thing to face as this was basically a life sentence. When I finally came to terms with God, I decided to make the most of whatever amount of time I had and tried even harder to live the life of perfect love.

The number one thing I had to do was to realize that every day I woke was going to be another beautiful day. I truly enjoyed the rise of the sun as the new next day was starting. I woke with a smile and wanted to share that joy with everyone I encountered that day. As my disease progressed through its debilitating stages, I was challenged with less and less ability.

I was blessed to have so many friends and family to aid me and help me live a life as fulfilling as could possibly happen. That was that true love that I strived for all my life. Everyone in my life made me feel special and helped me keep as independent as possible with the aid they gave me in getting through my daily tasks. And that was done while respecting my dignity and allowing me to keep my self-respect. What special people I had in my life. That was true love. I can’t hardly imagine the sacrifices they all made to do what they did for me. They all showed God’s perfect love in what they have done for me and deserve a special place in heaven as I was not always able to show my gratitude.

The ones that were closest to me heard me vent my frustration and I said many harsh words. To those that heard these words must have thought I was terrible. For that I am so sorry as this was the frustration of the disease coming out and mostly vented with the ones I loved the most. In most cases, I asked for their forgiveness, but if I hadn’t, please forgive me as there was no reason for them to be subjected to my ways. I truly am thankful for all of you caregivers that have touched my life.

When the disease progressed to my lung function, I was truly scared as I had so much guilt in my life. With all the guilt I felt, I thought for sure I was not worthy of heaven. I even told my husband that I must have been the worst wife a man could have. Ed told me that could not be true as we had 26 years of a beautiful marriage and that would not have happened with these false feelings I felt. He told me it was the devil pulling on my soul and that I should look the other way and believe in God. With a strong belief in God, I was able to beg forgiveness of all this guilt and was forgiven. I felt such a peace after that. It was like a whole new exciting chapter my soul was about to begin. Here comes that one word again that explains it all. With that perfect love, all is well, and all is forgiven. I was finally ready to enter the kingdom of God knowing that God loves me as he has truly forgiven me and all of you in my life. God truly loves me and has forgiven me. We are not from a perfect world but in the end, the light goes on and with forgiveness, true love is reintroduced. God forgives all as we individually should forgive all. That is God’s truth, and a perfect love is a fulfilling life that gets us through the narrow gates of heaven.

I am now back together with my loving brother Ronnie, my loving Mother Sharon, my many diseased loving friends and family and after your fulfilling life, we will all be together again.

I will always love you all. Remember my experience of a fulfilling life. Believe in God and all is forgiven.

With all my love,

Connie K. Ladwig (Cruikshank)