With All Of My Heart
Written October 19, 2014
Natan Tabak March 31, 1947 - January 13, 2015
If you have ever met my father, your life has been changed forever. If you have ever met my father, you are a better person for it. If you have ever spent time with him, you are smarter then you were before you did. You have been touched by greatness. Your life, because of him, will never be the same.
His quiet yet strong demeanor challenges you to choose your words wisely in attempts to be relevant and meaningful. He defines meaning. His words are thoughtful. They are powerful and impactful. He inspires truth and ethic. He is a gift that can never be replicated. He is irreplaceable.
My father is real. He is true. He is strong. He is intellect. As my husband would say, he's pillar of everything good. He is my motivation to be the very best I can be.
He was the first man I ever loved. He is my hero, my mentor, my strength. We have this silent friendship that speaks to me, even when no words are spoken.
I close my eyes and I see him. I see him hold my hand as I am about to give birth to my first born. I see him in the first class cabin, on our way to Israel as we devoured an ice cream sunday. I feel him next to me as he marries me and Josh. I hear him coach me on the soccer field. I hear him talking to me and Alon as we had cuddle time before bed when we were kids. I see the pride in his eyes as he walks through the house that Josh and I have built. I can squeeze his hand as he fights for his life, knowing how hard the battle truly is. We all fought so hard. Never wanting to give up. I feel his tears as he and I both know, he was dealt an unfair hand. He's afraid but not scared. He told my daughter that he was really going to miss her hugs. He has no idea how much she is going to miss his.
I know I was given the gift of time, to share and express and say goodbye, but its not enough. I want more. I'll never understand.
To watch him suffer is the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. To have no control over this battle has been debilitating.
I've cried an ocean since June of 2013.
So many times, he would call and I'd let the phone go to voicemail so that I could save his voice. I love his voice.
This is heartbreak.
Letting go has never been an option. I cant let go. There are no words. I begged him to come find me from heaven. I will look for him every day.
I cant believe this is happening.
With out him, the world is incomplete. I am incomplete and never will be the same. I cant breath.
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